Letting Kiddo choose...

Alice Lee

4 September

While fetching Kiddo from school today, she picked up two freebie bookmarks from the reception and told me she wanted to give one to her friend, Blythe. I thought that it was nice of her to want to share. During the car ride as we were going to pick up Dadi from uni, Kiddo was playing with both bookmarks behind me, pretending to make animals and form letters ("Look, Mami! A letter L!")... At one point, I noticed that she had "crumpled" one of the bookmark and pointed it out to her, asking her to be careful if she wanted to give one her Blythe. Kiddo piped up the and said, "It's okie! Blythe can have this one still (holding up the "not so nice one") and I can have this one (the non-crumpled one)."

I got abit stern and told her that it wasn't very nice to spoil something and then give it to her friend while keeping the better one for herself. I asked her how she would feel if the same thing was given to her. Kiddo got annoyed and then pretty upset when I told her that it was pretty selfish of her to do so. After that she wouldn't look at me and stared sulkily out the window. At that point, I was also a little upset because she looked like she didn't want to listen or respond to what i was saying. I contemplated telling her off and insisting she take the crumpled bookmark instead or just take both the bookmarks away from her.

Eventually I decided against that and said, "well... Think about what Mami just said and you decide what to do..." and that's that. We picked Dadi up from school, went for dinner... Throughout Kiddo was in abit of a foul mood, grumbling about her tummy and food while I make no more mention of the bookmarks. I still chat happily with her, made jokes and spoke normally with her and Dadi. By the time we were done with dinner and on the way home, Kiddo was back to her usual chirpy self. At the back of my mind, I did wonder if I should revisit the whole bookmark issue when we get home...

When we reached home, as we were getting out of the car, I picked up the two bookmarks left on the backseat and handed them back to Kiddo without saying a word. As Kiddo climbed out of the car with the bookmarks, she said, "I am going to give the good one to Blythe and keep the broken one, Mami..." Surprised, I asked her if she was sure and she nodded smilingly.. Without saying too much, I bended down, hugged her and whispered, "I am very proud of you."

Sometimes, it is enough to lay things out to the child and then trust that they can and will make the right choice. As parents, I am reminded once again to allow Kiddo to make mistakes, give her opportunities to come to her own conclusion and always, to have faith in her. — with Wilkie Tan.

Star Trek Memories

Wilkie Tan

6 September

We were watching Star Trek: Into Darkness on video. There was an early scene where a Star Fleet officer and his wife visited their sick daughter in the hospital. The wife was holding a plush rabbit.
At this precise moment Kiddo told us that the onscreen mummy is going to use that to replace an existing plush the sick girl is holding.
And the scene played out just as how she described it. My wife and I looked at each other, jaw dropped. Cos it's 3 months since we caught the show together in the cinema.....the strange things that kiddo remember....:@ 

"I am having a boy!"

Alice Lee

13 September

Kiddo was playing with her animal puzzle next to me when she suddenly said, "hmm I really like this animal puzzle. When I grow up and live by myself, I am going to keep it on my shelf."

Glancing over, I half-heartedly asked her, "oh.. In your own home? Then where will I be?"

Kiddo replied, "I don't know where will you be but I will have a child and when he wants to play with my puzzle, I will take it down from the shelf and let him play."

Me: "Him?!"

Kiddo: "Ya.. I am going to have a boy!"

Me: "......" — with Wilkie Tan.

Mindfulness - Emotional Management

I think I will need to start saving some of the notes I make on Facebook about Avery in her blog so that it doesn't get "lost"... And rather than post it on to my own blog, I think it should all come here as a place where I can reflect on her development. It will be a little retrospective as I dig through old FB posts but we will see how it goes...

***********************

Alice Lee

Yesterday (15 September 2013)

Recently, we have been discussing the use of Mindfulness techniques in our group for the purpose of managing emotions, particularly those that made us uncomfortable. Coincidentally, I found myself attempting to teach Kiddo the same thing the other day when she kicked her very first tantrum in Costco because we refuse to buy her a teddy bear. 

Kiddo saw a teddy bear which she rather liked in Costco. All along, we have always maintained that we do not buy toys for Kiddo just because she saw something she liked. She could play with them at the shop but once we are leaving, we will say goodbye to the toy. So far, there hasn't been much issues and Kiddo was happy to leave the toys behind. Till that day.

Trust me when I say that the urge to give in to the crying was very strong. It wasn't a particularly expensive toy and there was a part of me that went, "oh.. just this once!" but after exchanging looks with Dadi over a sobbing Kiddo, we mutually decided to stick to our guns. Kiddo was almost inconsolable when we said we had to put teddy back on the shelf. Her pitiful "teddy......" and tears were hard to bear (pun unintentional.. Heh). But still, Dadi took the teddy back to the shelf and I took Kiddo out to the cafe despite the cries and looks from other shoppers. 

It is part of life to encounter events that will make us sad, miserable and angry. To me, while not getting a toy is a small thing, I can't invalidate the fact that Kiddo did feel sad and upset because of it. However, what I can do is to help her sit with those emotions and help her understand that we do not need to act on those emotions, but allow them to pass. The objective is that this understanding will build emotional resilience and reduce maladaptive emotion coping (e.g., avoidance, acting out in anger etc).

The conversation that follows went little like this...

M: I know it must be very sad that we had to put teddy back.

K: I really want teddy! *cries*

M: I know... But we have to put him back and maybe we can see him next time we come.

K: No... I want teddy! *cries louder*

M: Are you very upset about not having teddy? 

K: Yes! I am very sad!

M: We cant buy teddy. Is there anything else I can do? Would you like a hug?

K: But I miss teddy! (but held her hands out for a hug)

M: (while hugging her) I know you miss teddy. And people do feel sad when they miss someone they like.. It is okie..(pat pat)

That went on for a while... Kiddo's tears came and go in spurts of volume and intensity but basically the message is the same: validate her emotions, normalize how she was feeling, reiterate that we can't buy teddy, offer comfort when required and redirect gradually to what we will be doing. 

Eventually she started having dinner, her emotions stabilized and we could tell she was not as upset anymore.

M: You look calmer now, baby... Are you feeling better? 

K: (pout a little) I still miss teddy...

M: Okie... Are you still very sad or a bit sad?

K: (thought for a bit) I am a bit sad... And I miss teddy.

M: That's okie... I guess we do feel very sad sometimes but with time, it gets better...

K: Ya... It's not so sad now.

M: And you will still miss teddy but you feel better now?

K: (nod nod)

M: I am glad you feel better now. 

We finished dinner and walked out of Costco with Kiddo saying she will come visit teddy again. I guess it was a win win situation, we didn't have to buy her a new toy each time she tantrum, and hopefully Kiddo learnt a little bit about sitting with uncomfy emotions for a time and wait for it to pass...