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Recently, we have been discussing the use of Mindfulness techniques in our group for the purpose of managing emotions, particularly those that made us uncomfortable. Coincidentally, I found myself attempting to teach Kiddo the same thing the other day when she kicked her very first tantrum in Costco because we refuse to buy her a teddy bear.
Kiddo saw a teddy bear which she rather liked in Costco. All along, we have always maintained that we do not buy toys for Kiddo just because she saw something she liked. She could play with them at the shop but once we are leaving, we will say goodbye to the toy. So far, there hasn't been much issues and Kiddo was happy to leave the toys behind. Till that day.
Trust me when I say that the urge to give in to the crying was very strong. It wasn't a particularly expensive toy and there was a part of me that went, "oh.. just this once!" but after exchanging looks with Dadi over a sobbing Kiddo, we mutually decided to stick to our guns. Kiddo was almost inconsolable when we said we had to put teddy back on the shelf. Her pitiful "teddy......" and tears were hard to bear (pun unintentional.. Heh). But still, Dadi took the teddy back to the shelf and I took Kiddo out to the cafe despite the cries and looks from other shoppers.
It is part of life to encounter events that will make us sad, miserable and angry. To me, while not getting a toy is a small thing, I can't invalidate the fact that Kiddo did feel sad and upset because of it. However, what I can do is to help her sit with those emotions and help her understand that we do not need to act on those emotions, but allow them to pass. The objective is that this understanding will build emotional resilience and reduce maladaptive emotion coping (e.g., avoidance, acting out in anger etc).
The conversation that follows went little like this...
M: I know it must be very sad that we had to put teddy back.
K: I really want teddy! *cries*
M: I know... But we have to put him back and maybe we can see him next time we come.
K: No... I want teddy! *cries louder*
M: Are you very upset about not having teddy?
K: Yes! I am very sad!
M: We cant buy teddy. Is there anything else I can do? Would you like a hug?
K: But I miss teddy! (but held her hands out for a hug)
M: (while hugging her) I know you miss teddy. And people do feel sad when they miss someone they like.. It is okie..(pat pat)
That went on for a while... Kiddo's tears came and go in spurts of volume and intensity but basically the message is the same: validate her emotions, normalize how she was feeling, reiterate that we can't buy teddy, offer comfort when required and redirect gradually to what we will be doing.
Eventually she started having dinner, her emotions stabilized and we could tell she was not as upset anymore.
M: You look calmer now, baby... Are you feeling better?
K: (pout a little) I still miss teddy...
M: Okie... Are you still very sad or a bit sad?
K: (thought for a bit) I am a bit sad... And I miss teddy.
M: That's okie... I guess we do feel very sad sometimes but with time, it gets better...
K: Ya... It's not so sad now.
M: And you will still miss teddy but you feel better now?
K: (nod nod)
M: I am glad you feel better now.
We finished dinner and walked out of Costco with Kiddo saying she will come visit teddy again. I guess it was a win win situation, we didn't have to buy her a new toy each time she tantrum, and hopefully Kiddo learnt a little bit about sitting with uncomfy emotions for a time and wait for it to pass...
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